The Dating Game

July 2022 Mid-month Update

I’m happy to report that things are moving right along on nearly all fronts in entertainment ventures, publishing, and business. While I’m not at liberty to discuss those areas much, that only leaves updates on the #cottagestead, and… well, dating.

I’ve put the dating post off for several months as much of it will be kept private, especially once it gets rolling in earnest, but I do know there are questions, especially from my dad and some friends in the loop. (and a small community that knows everyone, and word is already getting around to my usual haunts.) I can’t grab a local cup of coffee or a margarita without someone asking, “Soooo, you’re back in the game, huh? You wanna meet my friend?” (Poly ladies, please stop offering me your boyfriends. Thank you kindly, though. It’s appreciated, but not my jam.)

Yes, I am dating again.
No, I don’t have a lover/boyfriend/mate.

I have agreed, with stipulations, to put my foot out there and test the waters with the help of a matchmaking service. I know. I know. It’s the only way I could make myself go through with it. (Pay someone else to weed through the dick pics, bots, spam, catfish, illiterates, and cheating spouses—and show me the real faces with a background check and a security buffer)

It’s not a romantic way to meet people—but it’s safer, less stressful, and allows me to save my best energy and enthusiasm for a potential match rather than being run down and jaded by the process.

Since this will be my only post on the matter, I figured I’d better just knock it out in one full post.
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I signed with a matchmaking agency last February who has taken the reins on my love life for the next year or so.
I have the luck and grace of loving my single life the way it is, so I’m not in a hurry, nor am I even eager. I’m simply curious if there’s a special someone out there. What potential is there for this adventure? I’m comfortable, even blissfully enjoying my freedom—so why date now?

Long story short, I’ve built what I can by myself and though I’m inspired by this way of living—I know there is potentially something greater in being able to share it with someone. Theoretically, right?

It’s a gamble. To mitigate the risks and optimize the results, I’m utilizing a service dedicated to helping me organize my desires into a map of what kind of partner I would be delighted to fit into my life, and what I’m able to offer in return.

That’s a very non-sexy way of approaching romance. Alas. That’s just the current reality of the dating world.
On the fun side of the process, I am actually looking forward to meeting eligible men. (Yes, Dad, I’m straight. I keep trying to tell you.)

There’s a tremendous sense of relief in knowing I can show up to meet someone who has already been vetted to weed out the primary triggers so I can relax and just enjoy getting to know someone for who they are. (primary triggers being control issues, communications issues, and guys who are offended or even angry that I don’t have a last name. I know, weird, right?)

It sucks to order appetizers and then have to ask for the check immediately when those issues pop up within the first five minutes. “No last name? What are you, some kind of feminist?”

A total waste of lipstick, shaving my legs, and squeezing my pudgy ass into Spanx.

It’s a relief to think that meeting someone could be at the very best, a fun experience because they are a great human being, and at the worst, a swing and a miss, but still a pleasant date. I can’t even tell you how much of a relief that is, and it’s only possible because a matchmaker is getting paid to dig through the dreck to get to the gold (which I do feel bad for. I’m so sorry to put her through that).

It also has the added benefit that because what I do for work is often an issue for some men, not just in the job title but the kind of writing, and the feedback and energy that can become a burden when in public—it’s important to screen for that up front. I don’t even want to try to navigate those waters with someone who will be traumatized or angered by readers approaching out of nowhere and often at the worst possible times. It’s just what it is.

It’s one less stress for me to know those screenings are cleared, and allows me to reserve my energy and good will so I can show up to the table at my best. (Let’s be honest, maybe not best yet, but better-ish as I still have some cleanup to do from being in hermit mode for years)

Collaboration, Creativity, Reciprocity, and Communication are top on my list of requests. I’m also looking for someone who can accept and respect the reality that I enjoy a lot of space, physically and creatively to do my work, which I love. (It also allows me to be a better giver when this need is fulfilled)

I like being around people who do what they love. Frankly, happy people with their gazes locked on missions, builds, and explorative new horizons in their lives are just hella sexy to me. Men who are in league with themselves. Men who are community oriented. Men who are creators and uplifters—yes, more of those guys. Please and thank you. Builders, please, can you find me a smart, funny, kind builder of empires? I’d love to play with him. Oh, the things we’ll create!

There’s more, obviously. Much to the matchmaker’s chagrin, I don’t have a type for physical appearance, education requirement, height requirement, age requirement, location requirement or religious requirement. It would have really narrowed down the field for her, if I’d given a hard list of specs. Instead, the best I could do was clip profiles of examples of men I admire, brands I can appreciate, and ethics I can align to.

He doesn’t need to look a certain way, or have a certain job (just loves what he does), or pray a certain way, or have a certain bank account, or be certain height, or drive a certain car. He just needs to be ethical, smart, emotionally intelligent, independent, creative, collaborative, and communicative. It would help if he’s romantic, compassionate, sexual, adventurous, patient, and noble as well.

And if he likes what I am when I’m not holding anything back, well then, let’s sit at the table and negotiate.
But long story short, too late, I’m giving it a try. Dad, did you hear me? I’m giving it a try.

When the contract ends, I will safely be able to say, “I gave it a shot” before crawling back under my troll bridge in the wilderness and letting my legs get hairy again.

The poor matchmaker, I mean, I feel bad for her. She’s got her work cut out. She’s already been at it a few months with no luck, so—I feel ya, girl. See? The struggle is real.

My search pool is open from Seattle to Portland, to Los Angeles. I have agreed to travel to any of those locations to meet a potential candidate she thinks is worth introducing. I also agreed to meet global men from the database as long as they can meet me in one of the large cities in my zones.

Most topics she proposed were open to negotiation in my book. I mean, this is a discussion about what a potential life partner could look like, so, I’m thinking about all of it as collaborative.

Relocation? Open to negotiation if the situation is right. My work is flexible and mobile.

Kids? Open to negotiation if the situation is right. I will say, I am not unfulfilled or desperate for kids at this time. Still, I’m willing to negotiate those needs and desires.

Religion? He is welcome to have one, yes. I have my own.

Public/private profiles? Open to negotiation.

Once upon a time I dreamt of the epic storybook love tale. I fantasized about re-writing the story of relationship into something empowering, noble, beautifully intimate, vulnerable, and passionate. Once upon a time I hoped to be a part of conversations about re-thinking collaborations in partnerships and establishing a healthier foundation of mutually uplifting co-creative interdependent mastery in love and home that would extend to community and country.

I’m not saying my partnership has to be that. What I am going to say is, if I’m happy as I am in the life I adore—why not set the bar at such a place and see what comes in? I have nothing to lose. I’m in no rush. I’m neither lonely or afraid of being alone. So, why the hell not put it out there? I’d love to re-think our storybook romance as we’ve known it socially, and update it with new, creative details. Doable?

In the meantime, my personal mission and work is to practice collaborating in all other areas of my life. Practice. Practice. Practice. To work on my creative builds, and to step up my personal improvement plans and self-development. There’s still plenty of adventure to be had therein.

Because when all is said and done, whether the matchmaker finds someone who might be a fit or not, I still have the life I want and the projects that bring joy. The magic and mystery of romance is out of my hands for the next few months.

And I’ll be honest it feels wonderful to know my romantic life is being vetted off camera by someone who knows what to protect me from, and whom to invite into my space, curated specially for my desires. It’s nice to know I don’t have to worry about it, think about it, and that if my dad asks, I can honestly say—“Don’t worry about it, Pops! My love life is in good hands.”

I’d say, “I’ll keep you posted.” But the truth is, I won’t. I’m announcing this shift so it’s not a huge surprise to everyone who has known me to be a single pringle for sixteen years. Don’t poop your drawers! It’s all part of the plan!
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I won’t keep you posted, but I trust after all these years, you know that for once that means I’ve found someone to keep for myself—and I further trust, you’ll be delighted for me to have that experience at last, as I would be for you.
XO
Athena
 
P.S. Because someone will inevitably ask—why make it public that I’m utilizing a service? For my fellow ladies out there who may be considering dating again, or who are struggling in the dating world—I’m letting you know there’s no shame or shade in letting someone else sift through that onslaught of spam and weird-lookin’ wiener photos. Yes, it’s an investment that my not yield results, but if the thought of opening another dating app turns your stomach, maybe it’s time to try a different route before you lose faith in love or men. Food for thought. Good luck, and so much love!
 

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